Womanese

[Rever]

I heard a noise!

I noticed you were asleep.
Be careful she doesn’t take your covers when she gets back!

[Rever]

I’ll be ready in a minute
Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show.

[Rever]

My ex...

I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
NEXT!

[Rever]

I like you, but...
I don’t like you.

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It is a ‘Girl’s Night’ tonight!
We’re going to get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
And how does this differ from any other night of the week?

[Rever]

It’s OK

It’s NOT OK.
YOU’RE not OK

[Rever]

I need space.
...without YOU in it.

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I AM NOT YELLING!

This is important.
When is it NOT important?

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Nothing is wrong.
Everything is wrong
YOU are what’s wrong.

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I DON’T want to talk about it!

I’m still building evidence against you!
The volcano is building, ready to erupt with rhetorical smoke and
vomit lava-like lies. Flee!

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I’m an artist!
I’m unreliable!
And I’m poor.

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I’m affectionate!

I’m possessive!
And you’ll always be seen as cheating!

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I’m an adventurer.
I’ve had more lovers than you can imagine.
And you get the baggage of her past!

[Rever]

I’m seeking friends first.

I’m trying to live down my reputation as a slut.
See the ‘adventurer’ translation

[Rever]

I’m mature.
I won’t let you treat me like a farm animal in bed like my last
boyfriend.
MOO!

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I’m open-minded and outgoing.
I am desperate and loud.
She’s a NICE GIRL. Hah!

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Are you GAY?

Why won’t you go out with me or anyone?
The highest compliment a man can receive. All women are interested
in you, and YOU get to pick.

[Rever]

Speaking the Womanese
For this, BOLD will be what YOU say. Italics will be what is
ACTUALLY said while regular text will be the narration.

[Rever]

For example, if an UG is chasing you, say:
I am not looking for a relationship right now ...which means...
I am not looking for a relationship WITH YOU! She will get the hint
and drop off her pursuit.
If she is persists,
I think of you as a sister!
...meaning...
I find sex with you as revolting as incest.

Just change the phrasing and you can deliver the womanese straight
back at them. But be warned, if you say:
I am not looking for a girlfriend.
...which means...
I do not want YOU as my girlfriend
Women will realize that you are subtly rejecting them and they will all
gang together and try to break you (provided you are attractive. You are
doing the rest of the Don Juan stuff, right?). Men would just be sad and go
on. But women understand their own language and accept that as a
challenge.
If you are a player, you do not say, “I am a player.” No, you say:

I like to meet new people and explore the adventures of life.

Translated into Womanese, this means...
I like to date/sleep with many since it is part of the fun of life!
See how it works?
I think you should just embrace the pleasures that life has.
You should embrace your passion with ME.
One chick kept going after me, and I ignored her (haha). A dork came
and talked to us and left. So I said,
Maybe he thought you were hot!
...which means...
You are what is hot.
Her exact reply: “Why thank you, Pook!” (This is not a joke.
Womanese is a real language and they do speak it. For fun, try speaking it
back to them!)
Ahh, another Womanese lesson over. A job well done, Mr. Translator.
You’re welcome, Pook.
And remember that the best guide is your GUT!

[Rever]

@Darth_aurelius Does womanese work qualify for medal or ribbon ?